What is this ugly desire within all of us to “be right”, or “one up”? I love debate, I have always enjoyed passionate conversation, but there is a huge difference in my opinion between engaging in spirited discussion and being argumentative. It baffles my mind sometimes how people can be so achingly unaware of the nonsense vomiting out of their mouths. This kind of unproductive reactionary ego driven jockeying on behalf of some half read article or self serving hypothesis is what keeps us in constant mental chatter, an endless cycle of suffering.
We all have within us the sore loser, the sore winner, and the humble versions of both. Throughout the course of a day we all engage in status or power plays to one degree or another, and I am not above this. But I do try to be aware of what my triggers to play these ridiculous games are and where I fall short of humility, true listening and productive passivity. If I practice this awareness maybe I can shorten the time it takes me to become aware that it is happening right down to the moment itself and then stop it before it happens and begin to change the pattern. I try also to identify my personal boundaries and know when I should “just let it go” or when I should stand up for something I believe in.
I am one of the least confrontational people around. If you manage to push my buttons enough to get me to lash out in the moment then good for you! You must be really skilled at being irritating! I am certainly an advocate for myself but where frustration and anger in social settings is concerned, I like to sit with the feeling for 24 hours and then decide if something needs to be said. I find that there is always a part of these feelings that is ego based (pride, the desire to be right or be in control etc) and then sometimes it also goes beyond that, permeating my core. When this is the case I try to confront the person in a productive way that lets them know what it is I am uncomfortable with without being fueled by self righteousness. On the odd occasion when I do react bubbling and bothered in the heat of a moment, it usually means someone has crossed a particular line three times too many and needs to know that my openness and jovial nature does NOT equal me being a door mat or an energetic recycling bin.
The subject of finding the balance between being open and having personal boundaries is a fascination of mine. But we’ll save that for another day :)
By now it is probably apparent that I had a “run in” with such a conversational predator today and it left me disappointed in the true intelligence of that person. I doubt there will be a reconciliation, I am not interested in an apology or trying to have a better relationship. It is in my nature to let everyone in right off the bat, to hand out mountains of respect; but once you shred the last of it: GONE. You are no longer allowed anywhere near this burning ball of light. My severity is not driven by ego, I can say that sincerely. It is driven by my passion for the human experience of communion. I love connecting with people and when someone opens up to me and allows me to experience their unbridled truth I never take it for granted. But those who choose time and time again to take axes and knives to the picnics of the human heart will no longer be invited. We have too much work to do and fun to have to indulge such disregard and toxicity.
My prayer is to continue to grow in light, to be willing to unravel myself and let go of my need to be right or the centre of attention at the cost of an opportunity to connect with another. I am not perfect, nor am I trying to be (there is no such thing) but I hope for a better, less polluted collective mental landscape. And I am willing to start with my own.
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