The Critic

Why can’t I silence the critic in my head? He or she or it (I imagine this critic to be an androgynous muppet like creature) is getting louder and louder when I’m on stage yelling: YOU STINK! as if its some kind of chant! I don’t remember dealing with this so viscerally before. And the show must go on. 8 times a week in fact.

Is meditation the key? Is it making stronger choices? Is it taking a break from acting? Or finding the right coach, teacher, director, project? Is it the foods I am eating or the hours I am sleeping? Is it the energy of the cast or the heat of the day? Is it this audience? Am I in the gap between phases or mountains?

And then there is THAT voice! Trying her best (this one is DEFINITELY female) to figure out everything while I am in that moment.

Exhausting no?

So what is it?

I have a feeling that these voices have lived inside of me all my life and will probably never disappear completely. They are archetypes, they are in fact tools, parts of the human psyche that at times need nurturing and at times given a good spanking (or the silent treatment). I expect a lot from my work, from myself. But its not all there yet, I’m not all there yet. I exist largely in the illusive ether and that sometimes makes craftsmanship and repetition hard for me. I get scared of tangible tools, of understanding the building blocks of things... I want to cut to the chase, the meat, the guts, the silver thread that links it all together. But I need to be able to be conscious on stage, and in all my creative endeavours, I need to remain calm but full of energy, in control of my body, my movements, my performance but open to the moment and not TRYING to be in control. Conscious but surrendered... is that it? Free but focused (did I just quote Alanis?)... There is great freedom in focus. Present. Isn’t that always it? Oh Eckhart, remind me again? It is though, isn’t it? Presentness is always it. And as it pertains to this: worry, anxiety, fear of judgement are all projections OUT of the moment into either the future looking back on the experience judging whether or not it was GOOD or BAD, or into the vault of past pain and disappointment.

I guess freaking out about how I’m going to find my way into the present moment and stay there probably won’t help me get there. So I’ll finish my tea, tasting each small sip and then see where I land.